Cooking: The Better burger (best burger?)

The key to building a better burger is to not cheap out. For me, the burger is comprised of 5 distinct elements; bun, meat, vegetables, condiments and cheese. Each of these elements must play their role and add flavor to the whole, but also not dominate.
Since the only true requirement to a burger is the meat, we’ll start there. I prefer a large burger as opposed to consuming several small ones. I know that “sliders” are all the rage these days, but they are generally crappy and I think this fad will pass. I like the approach that sit down restaurants take to burgers, a single substantial patty ranging from a quarter to a half pound. Personally, a half pound burger is a bit much, but because my favorite foody grocery store sells Kobe beef patties pre-made and very reasonably priced, who am I to argue. That’s right; Kobe beef is the way to go. To make a great burger, you should grill, to successfully grill the meat needs fat. Kobe burgers will never appear on a diet program, but they make my better burger, just not my better for you burger. In the category of meat you can also augment the flavor of your burger with bacon. Many a chef has been quoted as saying “everything tastes better with bacon on it,” and I couldn’t agree more. However, I prefer a twist on the traditional bacon on a burger. The standard approach is to lay one or more strips of bacon on the burger somewhere on top. I really hate taking that first bite of bacon cheeseburger and getting an incomplete chomp on the bacon, thus pulling it out of said burger and on to my chin. Since you cook the bacon separate from the burger anyways, I give it a little rough chop and put it in-between the meat and cheese, thus ensuring this won’t happen.
The bun may seem unimportant to some, but not to those who care about what they eat. Now I understand that wonder bread makes what they call hamburger buns, but much like you wouldn’t put a Lamborghini on thirty dollar tires, you should not put your better burger on an inferior bun. The big debates with buns comes down to toasted or not and sesame seeded or not. I lean towards unseeded but toasted. The seeds can occasionally get stuck in your teeth and really don’t add much flavor, just texture. The bacon chunks will add a nice texture, so the seeds are not needed. The best way to get a great bun is to get them from the bakery, not the standard bread isle.
Some “manly” men would argue that the only vegetables that belong on a burger are a pickle. I couldn’t disagree more. However, the wrong vegetables are worse than none at all. I’m a fan of the traditional lettuce, tomato and onion. If I don’t have bacon then I would add pickle, but the two together is too many salty flavors. Now don’t go thinking that just any lettuce, tomato or onion will do, the better burger has to have better ingredients. Iceberg lettuce has no place here, green leaf lettuce, you know, the kind that actually has flavor is the only lettuce you should be putting on your better burger. Mixed greens are also an acceptable choice, but absolutely not iceberg. My favorite tomato to use is heirloom; they’re those really ugly looking tomatoes that range from green to orange, but sometimes red. I won’t buy a green one even thought the flavor is exactly the same; I’m just freaked out by green tomatoes, even if they are ripe. Last but not least the onions. Unless your goal is to scare away your friends and offend your spouse and/or significant other, you must have cooked onions. There are three Ed approved ways of cooking onions for your better burger; the first is grilled, the second is sautéed in either bacon fat or butter and the last is boiled in beer. I listed them in the order of my preference. As for the kind of onion, if Vidalia onions are in season, you can’t lose there, otherwise I go with any other white onion available. I love red onions, but they don’t belong here, they’re too powerful and put the burger out of balance.
There a few standard burger condiments, I only use one. Ketchup and Mayonnaise hide the taste of low quality burgers and belong on your sliders or your chain restaurant burgers. Whatever your preference, a better burger has only one condiment. My better burger has mustard. Now I have nothing against yellow mustard or honey mustard, but they belong my chicken nuggets or French fries. I have a two way tie when it comes to which mustard to use; Dijon or whole grain. Dijon works nicely if you put it on the bottom bun, yep, defy convention and put your condiment on the bottom bun. Since we toast our buns we’re making a statement about the condition we would like them in, crispy. No point in toasting the bun if get soggy as soon as I put the meat on it. Putting your condiment on the bottom bun helps prevent the bun from sponging up all the burger juice. Please note: this doesn’t apply to ketchup, so don’t bother with bottom bunning it.
The last ingredient added to your burger can be the most important; the cheese. Virtually any cheese can work, depending on your tastes, however it must be real cheese and it must balance with your other choices. I love a large variety of cheeses and yes I’ll even eat Kraft singles, although I’m not convinced that’s even actually cheese; but for my better burger I’ll be doing the slicing. If the cheese doesn’t come in bulk and isn’t sold by weight, is probably isn’t fabulous and why cheap out now? My new favorite for the better bacon cheeseburger is Gruyère, it’s a Swiss cheese and tastes like a slightly more intense version of what most people would call “Swiss” cheese, but no holes.
So I’ve covered all the ingredients, the only thing left is cooking our masterpiece. Purists will declare that charcoal grilling is the ONLY choice. I can’t argue with the flavor of charcoal grilling, but I live in the desert and charcoal is frowned upon. Plus burning a bunch of charcoal for a single burger isn’t very “green”. So gas grilling is the next best thing. Grilling is superior to pan frying in all ways unless you like your burgers well done. I think well done is a sin that is completely unforgivable. The flavor of beef peaks at about medium rare and should always, always, always contain at least some pink. If you’re going to cook your burger to well done, don’t bother buying good ingredients. In fact, just don’t bother, go get a dollar menu double and a value meal.

P.S. – salt, pepper and maybe some garlic powder if you’re wondering.